Bride-To-Be Walks a Fine Line for Her Bridesmaids - Dear Abby (2024)

My dream bachelorette party is the kind you see in movies, a group of girls going out on the town getting tipsy -- maybe being a little stupid -- nothing dangerous, with sexy games/favors and casually swapping sex tips and double entendres. That may not be possible with my straight-laced friends, whom I really like and would like to include.

I pick up on others' feelings easily, so I can't ignore when someone around me is unhappy. I want all my girlfriends to enjoy the party, but two or three of them won't appreciate the humor of drinking from a phallus-shaped straw. Should I split the guest list and have one prudish party and one sexy one? -- GOOD/BAD GIRL IN THE EAST

DEAR GIRL: That's an excellent idea! And we all know which one you are going to enjoy.

DEAR ABBY: I just found out my husband has been texting with his high school sweetheart for the last three years. He contacted her and shares all day-to-day activities, like our vacations, new dog, etc. She lives 2,500 miles away. She's divorced, retired like us and has children and grandchildren. I snooped and read his email. I can tell by her responses that she is being polite.

I don't understand why he contacted her after so many years and why he shares everything with her, as we have a close relationship and share everything. He did mention a year ago that he was in touch with her. I didn't think much about it then, but now that I know how long this has been going on, I'm wondering why. Should I be concerned about this? -- PUZZLED IN MAINE

DEAR PUZZLED: What is happening could be innocent, or it could be crossing a line. You will never know until you discuss this with your husband. You may not have to disclose that you read the texts if you say you recalled him mentioning that they were in touch "a while back" and let the conversation evolve from there.

DEAR ABBY: I recently received an Evite to a surrogate baby shower. I was happy to attend. Each guest was asked to bring a box of diapers, our favorite children's book and a donation to help cover the surrogate expenses. A written explanation of how expensive the surrogate process is was also included.

In my opinion, when the couple started the surrogacy process, they were aware of how expensive it would be, and to ask the shower attendees to contribute to it is a little nervy. Was this proper etiquette? -- WONDERING IN NEVADA

DEAR WONDERING: No. Soliciting the donation was over the top. I can't help but wonder how many invitees declined the invitation because of it. To ask for money was tacky.

DEAR ABBY: I've been with the same guy for almost five years. I was madly in love with him the first three years, but after I had my daughter, things slowly changed. We haven't been intimate in a while. I had some female issues I wanted to take care of, plus I'm not physically attracted to him anymore. He makes little comments about it to make me feel bad. He doesn't want to discuss anything, so talking to him is impossible.

We broke up a few months ago but got back together. He moved all his stuff out, so now he makes me feel guilty, telling me he has nothing and our house doesn't feel like his anymore. By the way, he doesn't pay for rent or household expenses like groceries, etc. I pay for everything because he doesn't work. Yet I have to give him money for his gambling addiction.

I don't want to be with him anymore. But the last time we broke up, he was terribly verbally abusive, and I don't want to go through that again. What should I do? -- INDECISIVE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR INDECISIVE: Tell him you no longer want to be his sugar mama; he will have to find someone else to feed him and finance his gambling addiction. Do NOT do it while the two of you are alone. Make sure to have several friends or relatives with you for moral support and to help him collect whatever things he has at your place. If you do, it may curb his verbal abuse. After that, change the locks on your doors and do not admit him to the house again. If he forces his way in, summon the police. If you don't rid yourself of him, he will suck you dry.

DEAR ABBY: My in-laws live 90 minutes away, so when they visit, they usually stay with us for a night or two. I don't mind hosting them. They are delightful people, and we always have a good time. However, now that they're getting older, I'm wondering what the etiquette is for sleeping arrangements.

We don't have a guest bedroom, so they sleep on a pullout sofa with a pillow topper. While they've never mentioned it, I know it's not all that comfy, and I know they have some age-related aches and pains. When my grandparents stayed with us when I was a kid, they usually slept in my sister's double bed, and she slept on the floor in the room I shared with my other sister.

Would offering my in-laws my son's double bed be a good idea going forward? (Something about offering the master bedroom seems weird.) I'm fortunate to have great in-laws and would like to do right by them. It's just a night or two, after all. What would you recommend I do? -- COMFORT CREATURE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR COMFORT CREATURE: Ask your in-laws whether they would be more comfortable if you changed their sleeping arrangements. If they say yes, have a chat with your son, explain the problem and tell him you want him to sleep on the pullout sofa bed when his grandparents are visiting.

DEAR ABBY: I recently hosted my husband's birthday. It was a great party. I reserved for 85 people, including the DJ, his assistant, the party planner and her crew. On the day of the event, 20% of the guests who RSVP'd did not show up. One couple said their two daughters had a debut party that night. Another family said their son had an outing. Others had legitimate reasons, like being sick or the house catching fire.

I gave my guests ample time to RSVP. I sent the save-the-date cards four months before, the invitation two months before and the deadline to RSVP two weeks before the event. I even extended the invitation to allow other adults and kids to come to the party. I was too generous. I think it's rude for the families who RSVP for a certain number of people to dismissively not show up because of another event, not considering that each head count means additional cost and planning for the meal, seating chart, etc.

How do I let them know I wish they would have told me ahead of time so I could have removed them and saved myself a few hundred dollars? Or should I even let them know? -- GENEROUS HOST IN TEXAS

DEAR HOST: If I thought a lecture to these boors would be effective, I would tell you to go ahead and do what you have in mind. However, a more effective and less confrontational way to save yourself a future headache would be to simply omit them from your guest list.

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law is a lovely woman -- generous, with a heart of gold. Her husband, my husband's brother, is a kind and gentle man who works hard to provide for his family. They do much for their community and seemingly have every moment of the day occupied with something.

But whenever I'm with my SIL, she never fails to whine about where her husband falls short. Sometimes, she does it in front of him. It's uncomfortable because I don't want him to think I agree with her. Almost always the problems are minuscule. Example: The house is never clean enough, or he's not doing X-Y-Z to help her. (To me, it looks like he does plenty.) She says she's always doing "everything herself."

I'm not one for confrontation and don't want to cause trouble in our relationship because I do enjoy her a lot, and I'm afraid of the repercussions of "going there." But enough is enough. It makes me dread one-on-one conversations or not want to interact because it is draining. How do I handle this? -- ZERO TOLERANCE

DEAR ZERO TOLERANCE: Ask your sister-in-law to please stop complaining, because when she does it makes you uncomfortable. After that, when she starts again, change the subject to something else -- cooking, gardening, even politics or religion if you think it will distract her. Good luck.